Devon Cannon, Plant Director

Hey, Devon here. Took me a little longer than most people to figure out this blogging thing. Then there was the typing. It takes me a really long time to type what with having to constantly look for what keys have the little letters I need and then getting them in the right damn order.

I've been the director of plants here for many years now. Some people think plants aren't important, but some people are idiots. It's no easy job taking care of plants and plants take poison out of the air. I don't think it's too big of a leap to say I'm saving lives directing the plants. I mean people gotta breathe.

I just got off an extended vacation. Worker's comp. From the seizure I had a few months ago. Everything that Rainey guy was making me wear on my belt went off at the same time and somehow between the beeper beeping and the text pager vibrating and the walky talky talking and the AOC cell phone ringing and my own cell phone going off and the blueberry in my ear sending signals down to my belt . . . Well I don't know the electronics of all the medical neurological shit but something shorted out somewhere and I had a seizure right there in the leadership meeting. Our DON, Belinda was there, but she was eating a honeybun and said she wasn't "doing no CPR shit" until she finished her "bear claw". And then Buckethead's like, "it's not a bear claw Belinda, it's a honeybun," and Belinda's like "don't tell me what I'm eating you little orange fingered cheetos eating nut," and then there is this big argument while I'm like dying on the floor.

And of course when those dumbasses on the leadership team FINALLY called 911, the operator couldn't understand a word they said because they were laughing too hard. I was barely conscious but all I could hear was them laughing about me foaming at the mouth and saying I was flopping like a fish. Man with friends like that . . .

So I get back last week to find things are just falling apart here. It's all the women here screwing everything up, but you didn't hear that from me. We got women in charge, and a MAN running the kitchen. What the hell?

Jane hasn't done a damn thing that makes sense except for scare everyone and skip out on work. HR chick hasn't been to work in months. Buckethead has a 13 year old handling her job for her. And the rest of the women are either drunk or hiding on G wing providing sexual services to auditors. And strangers. And other employees, and hell, maybe even each other for all I know. Only Waz would really know, and that scamming MF would probably charge me big bucks to watch the movie.

And who am I supposed to report this to? Sharky? I don't know where Jane found him, but there's got to be some favors or secrets involved in that because he sure the hell isn't like any compliance officer I ever seen. Between the cocaine snorting and the "throwing death cards" at people, I don't think he's worked even one sober day.

I had to put a padlock on the ice chest full of beer that I keep in the back of my truck. Worked late one night and drove home only to find that there was a passed out compliance officer in the back of my truck and nothing left in my ice chest. I just left his ass out there in my driveway but that's when I got the padlock for the ice chest. Drank every thing I had, greedy bastard. Scared my wife to death the next morning, she wakes up to do the dishes, looks out the window and Sharky's in the garden outside the window "relieving himself", hair standing straight up, singing rap songs in a grateful dead t-shirt, a tie, and no pants.

If Rainey knew about this he'd have a fit. A huge red eared, screaming fit. Where the hell is he anyway? Last I heard he was on some extended leave or training or something but surely he would be back by now.