My ass still hurts like you wouldn't believe. But now we're getting free wireless internet at the house. Maybe if I electrocute myself by accident we'll get free cable again.
Guess it's Karma.
Must be. For every unpleasant thing that is undeserved, some pleasant surprise must come with it I guess. Hell who knows.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Sunday, September 9, 2007
A Mission to Save Rainey
Well the mystery about Rainey disappearing has been solved. At least part of it. BucketheadCFO's little gofer UnaCrapper is finally making himself useful and found documents in HR Chick's office.
They sent him to some exectutive training camp for assholes. These corporate people kill me, don't they realize we needed an asshole with all these crazy women running around here. Hell, since he left we can't even get Buckethead out of the bed before 11:00 and I'm not sure of this, but I think Jane may have even killed a few people or at least arranged it. Unacrapper told me that Sharky tried to kill him several times and once almost succeeded! He poisoned him!
That nice lady outside that used to make us tamales? Gone. I'm guessing Waz knows something but since he hasn't shown up for work lately either, who knows. I aint saying a word, I don't want to be next.
So when Buckethead asked me to, I was totally a gung ho little squirrel about going on this mission to help Rainey out. I can't wait to tell him about Belinda and how she'd rather eat a honeybun than save my life. I'm keeping a list of shit to tell him about Belinda, trust me!
Wasn't till we got out to the "retreat" or compound or whatever they call it that she tells me that Rainey ordered me to smuggle some "communications equipment" into him. UP my ASS?!?!? I told her Oh hell no, but then I thought of Rainey up there feeding chickens and having no one to yell at and I felt so bad for him that I "took one for the team."
I got that thing called a "broadband card" out when I was in the visitor bathroom and managed to get that to Rainey. But I gotta tell you, I still don't feel "right" around there and I have terrible pain when I sit down. I can't exactly go to the doctor and splain to him about having a broadband card up my ass now can I ?!?
Maybe if I could get Belinda to put down her "Bear Claw" she could check things out for me but man I sure hate to ask her. She's got really big hands too. Damn Buckethead and her dumbass ideas. No one even searched our pockets when we visited Rainey, I think she had me do that just for her own entertainment.
They sent him to some exectutive training camp for assholes. These corporate people kill me, don't they realize we needed an asshole with all these crazy women running around here. Hell, since he left we can't even get Buckethead out of the bed before 11:00 and I'm not sure of this, but I think Jane may have even killed a few people or at least arranged it. Unacrapper told me that Sharky tried to kill him several times and once almost succeeded! He poisoned him!
That nice lady outside that used to make us tamales? Gone. I'm guessing Waz knows something but since he hasn't shown up for work lately either, who knows. I aint saying a word, I don't want to be next.
So when Buckethead asked me to, I was totally a gung ho little squirrel about going on this mission to help Rainey out. I can't wait to tell him about Belinda and how she'd rather eat a honeybun than save my life. I'm keeping a list of shit to tell him about Belinda, trust me!
Wasn't till we got out to the "retreat" or compound or whatever they call it that she tells me that Rainey ordered me to smuggle some "communications equipment" into him. UP my ASS?!?!? I told her Oh hell no, but then I thought of Rainey up there feeding chickens and having no one to yell at and I felt so bad for him that I "took one for the team."
I got that thing called a "broadband card" out when I was in the visitor bathroom and managed to get that to Rainey. But I gotta tell you, I still don't feel "right" around there and I have terrible pain when I sit down. I can't exactly go to the doctor and splain to him about having a broadband card up my ass now can I ?!?
Maybe if I could get Belinda to put down her "Bear Claw" she could check things out for me but man I sure hate to ask her. She's got really big hands too. Damn Buckethead and her dumbass ideas. No one even searched our pockets when we visited Rainey, I think she had me do that just for her own entertainment.
Saturday, September 1, 2007
Devon Cannon, Plant Director
Hey, Devon here. Took me a little longer than most people to figure out this blogging thing. Then there was the typing. It takes me a really long time to type what with having to constantly look for what keys have the little letters I need and then getting them in the right damn order.
I've been the director of plants here for many years now. Some people think plants aren't important, but some people are idiots. It's no easy job taking care of plants and plants take poison out of the air. I don't think it's too big of a leap to say I'm saving lives directing the plants. I mean people gotta breathe.
I just got off an extended vacation. Worker's comp. From the seizure I had a few months ago. Everything that Rainey guy was making me wear on my belt went off at the same time and somehow between the beeper beeping and the text pager vibrating and the walky talky talking and the AOC cell phone ringing and my own cell phone going off and the blueberry in my ear sending signals down to my belt . . . Well I don't know the electronics of all the medical neurological shit but something shorted out somewhere and I had a seizure right there in the leadership meeting. Our DON, Belinda was there, but she was eating a honeybun and said she wasn't "doing no CPR shit" until she finished her "bear claw". And then Buckethead's like, "it's not a bear claw Belinda, it's a honeybun," and Belinda's like "don't tell me what I'm eating you little orange fingered cheetos eating nut," and then there is this big argument while I'm like dying on the floor.
And of course when those dumbasses on the leadership team FINALLY called 911, the operator couldn't understand a word they said because they were laughing too hard. I was barely conscious but all I could hear was them laughing about me foaming at the mouth and saying I was flopping like a fish. Man with friends like that . . .
So I get back last week to find things are just falling apart here. It's all the women here screwing everything up, but you didn't hear that from me. We got women in charge, and a MAN running the kitchen. What the hell?
Jane hasn't done a damn thing that makes sense except for scare everyone and skip out on work. HR chick hasn't been to work in months. Buckethead has a 13 year old handling her job for her. And the rest of the women are either drunk or hiding on G wing providing sexual services to auditors. And strangers. And other employees, and hell, maybe even each other for all I know. Only Waz would really know, and that scamming MF would probably charge me big bucks to watch the movie.
And who am I supposed to report this to? Sharky? I don't know where Jane found him, but there's got to be some favors or secrets involved in that because he sure the hell isn't like any compliance officer I ever seen. Between the cocaine snorting and the "throwing death cards" at people, I don't think he's worked even one sober day.
I had to put a padlock on the ice chest full of beer that I keep in the back of my truck. Worked late one night and drove home only to find that there was a passed out compliance officer in the back of my truck and nothing left in my ice chest. I just left his ass out there in my driveway but that's when I got the padlock for the ice chest. Drank every thing I had, greedy bastard. Scared my wife to death the next morning, she wakes up to do the dishes, looks out the window and Sharky's in the garden outside the window "relieving himself", hair standing straight up, singing rap songs in a grateful dead t-shirt, a tie, and no pants.
If Rainey knew about this he'd have a fit. A huge red eared, screaming fit. Where the hell is he anyway? Last I heard he was on some extended leave or training or something but surely he would be back by now.
I've been the director of plants here for many years now. Some people think plants aren't important, but some people are idiots. It's no easy job taking care of plants and plants take poison out of the air. I don't think it's too big of a leap to say I'm saving lives directing the plants. I mean people gotta breathe.
I just got off an extended vacation. Worker's comp. From the seizure I had a few months ago. Everything that Rainey guy was making me wear on my belt went off at the same time and somehow between the beeper beeping and the text pager vibrating and the walky talky talking and the AOC cell phone ringing and my own cell phone going off and the blueberry in my ear sending signals down to my belt . . . Well I don't know the electronics of all the medical neurological shit but something shorted out somewhere and I had a seizure right there in the leadership meeting. Our DON, Belinda was there, but she was eating a honeybun and said she wasn't "doing no CPR shit" until she finished her "bear claw". And then Buckethead's like, "it's not a bear claw Belinda, it's a honeybun," and Belinda's like "don't tell me what I'm eating you little orange fingered cheetos eating nut," and then there is this big argument while I'm like dying on the floor.
And of course when those dumbasses on the leadership team FINALLY called 911, the operator couldn't understand a word they said because they were laughing too hard. I was barely conscious but all I could hear was them laughing about me foaming at the mouth and saying I was flopping like a fish. Man with friends like that . . .
So I get back last week to find things are just falling apart here. It's all the women here screwing everything up, but you didn't hear that from me. We got women in charge, and a MAN running the kitchen. What the hell?
Jane hasn't done a damn thing that makes sense except for scare everyone and skip out on work. HR chick hasn't been to work in months. Buckethead has a 13 year old handling her job for her. And the rest of the women are either drunk or hiding on G wing providing sexual services to auditors. And strangers. And other employees, and hell, maybe even each other for all I know. Only Waz would really know, and that scamming MF would probably charge me big bucks to watch the movie.
And who am I supposed to report this to? Sharky? I don't know where Jane found him, but there's got to be some favors or secrets involved in that because he sure the hell isn't like any compliance officer I ever seen. Between the cocaine snorting and the "throwing death cards" at people, I don't think he's worked even one sober day.
I had to put a padlock on the ice chest full of beer that I keep in the back of my truck. Worked late one night and drove home only to find that there was a passed out compliance officer in the back of my truck and nothing left in my ice chest. I just left his ass out there in my driveway but that's when I got the padlock for the ice chest. Drank every thing I had, greedy bastard. Scared my wife to death the next morning, she wakes up to do the dishes, looks out the window and Sharky's in the garden outside the window "relieving himself", hair standing straight up, singing rap songs in a grateful dead t-shirt, a tie, and no pants.
If Rainey knew about this he'd have a fit. A huge red eared, screaming fit. Where the hell is he anyway? Last I heard he was on some extended leave or training or something but surely he would be back by now.
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